Someplace to Call Home
by htmllost
Summary: Phan Highschool AU. Phil is somewhat reluctant when he is forced to do a project with the lonely, quiet kid. But soon enough, he realises that Dan is so much more than that. He has so much potential but unfortunately, the ghosts of his past stop him. Phil promises to help Dan. TW: Self harm, smut, mental illnesses.
1. Chapter 1

_**~Phil~**_

Phil knew his luck wasn't the best. Bad things always happened and every time he would create an unlikely apocalyptic scenario ("At least an ostrich hasn't eaten my eyes!") to feel better about the situation.

This was one of those situations.

Now, he wasn't one to meaninglessly hate on teachers, classes or subjects. He always tried his best to actually enjoy his miserable time in school. But sometimes, it just didn't worked.

When Mr. Smith – Phil's English teacher – had announced that they would be presenting a project for their final assignment, he had been overjoyed. That just meant he'd have one less class to study for. Besides, he _liked_ English.

But when he found out that he would have to work in pairs, he felt undecided. It wasn't that he didn't like talking to people or working with them, he just preferred not to.

 _But, hey, it can't be that bad, right?_

In hindsight, he cursed himself for jinxing the situation.

Of course, he just _had_ to be paired with the lonely, quiet kid at the back of the class.

He tried to be optimistic.

 _Maybe he's secretly outgoing and confident?_

Nope.

Phil went up to him after class to discuss their project. He had placed his hand on the boy's shoulder and decided to be his usual smiling self; when the stupid boy elbowed him in the stomach.

"Ow!" Phil had stumbled back in pain.

"Sorry, I just don't like being touched." That's what he had said. Phil was, of course, very annoyed but he forgave him.

"I'm Phil. Your partner for the English project." Phil had tried to smile at him.

"I'm Dan." He had said timidly. Phil tried to place Dan's face in his memories of school but he came up with nothing.

"I don't see you around here a lot. Are you new?" Phil had tried not to sound rude in any way.

"I moved here last year." Dan's gaze had not left his feet. "I stay with Louise. You know her?"

"Louise! Of course!" Phil then remembered. Louise had mentioned Dan before. She'd said something about Dan being her cousin, who had moved in with her because his parents didn't want him or something. Phil wasn't really sure.

"Um…so, about the project?" Dan had finally looked up at him. Phil would have called his brown eyes to be soft and warming, if they weren't sporting a glare and dark purple bags.

"Yeah, so I was thinking we should set up a time and place to discuss it properly?" Phil remembered feeling awkward.

"Okay. I could come over to your place after–"

"No!" Phil had shouted too loudly. "I mean, no. I could come over to yours? Does 5:30 sound okay for today?"

"Um.. Sure." Dan had looked strangely at him. Phil hadn't meant to shout but he had gotten jumpy. He had been sure that his mum wouldn't have appreciated Dan (or anyone, for that matter) coming over.

That's how he'd found himself walking in the cold to his friend Louise's house. The evening was somewhat relaxing. Grey clouds littered the sky and he could smell the coming rain.

He shoved his slightly blue hands into his pocket and turned another corner. He had been friends with Louise for a while but nothing too serious. Now that he thought about it, he would occasionally see Dan and Louise together during lunch break.

He spotted the pastel blue coloured house down the street and quickened his pace. He pushed open the sturdy metal gate and made his way to the front door.

Before his fingers could push the doorbell, the smiling face of Louise's mum greeted him. "Phil! My, my, you're freezing! Come on in!" She tugged him in and helped him pull off his coat.

"Thank you, Mrs. Pent–" He began but stopped when she gave him a pointed look. "I mean; thank you, _Julia_." He corrected himself and she smiled approvingly.

"It's been ages, dear, you should come over more often." She walked into lounge and Phil followed her, dumping his bag on one of the sofas. She called up the stairs, "Louise! Dan! Phil's here!"

Since the last time Phil was here the room had changed very little. The sofas were a pale shade of blue that matched the curtains. The walls were a faded white and a dark brown coffee table sat in the middle. The lounge was connected to an open kitchen; it had black and white cupboards and shelves that complimented a silver breakfast bar with matching stools.

Phil heard a rhythmic tapping of feet above him. Louise rushed down the stairs and hugged him. "Phil!"

"Hey, Louise." They parted and he smiled at her. "How are you doing?"

"I'm good!" She beamed at him. "I just didn't expect you here."

"Dan didn't tell you?" Phil tilted his head. "He called me over for our English project."

"Oh?" Louise looked slightly disappointed, almost as if she were offended he'd hide something from her.

"Dan!" Julia called again. Phil heard a muffled response from him.

"Phil, I'm making some hot chocolate, would you like some?" She smiled.

"Yes, thank you." He grinned and sat down on one of the breakfast bar stools.

Dan finally emerged from upstairs. Phil smiled at him but he didn't return it. Phil noticed that he hadn't changed out from the clothes he'd worn to school; tight black pants and a white jumper, although he had removed his dark jacket. His brown hair was straight and pushed to one side. Phil noticed that his ears were pierced but hidden under his long hair.

A loud ring echoed through the house.

"Oh!" Julia clapped. "That'll be the pizza!" She rushed towards the door and soon emerged with pizza boxes.

"I hope you don't mind pizza, Phil." She set down the boxes.

"You're kidding?" Louise laughed and poked Phil's side. "This guy is like the Cookie Monster. Except, for pizza."

"The Pizza Monster." Phil poked her back. "I'm trademarking that."

"Well, I'm glad." Julia laughed and opened the boxes. Pepperoni. Phil's favourite. "I'll get out the plates and–"

"Actually, Mrs. Pentland," Dan spoke for the first time. "Can Phil and I take our share upstairs? We should really start working on our project."

"Of course dear, anything you need. I'll bring in the hot chocolate in a bit?" Julia smiled sweetly at him. Phil noticed that she hadn't corrected him when he called her Mrs. Pentland but he didn't say anything.

"Yes, thank you." Dan said. He quickly grabbed a plate and helped himself to a slice. Phil, however, didn't mind living up to his title to the Pizza Monster™.

"Is that all you're gonna eat?" Louise eyed Dan's plate.

"I had a big lunch." Dan tried to force a reassuring smile but Phil knew that Louise wasn't convinced. He didn't say anything.

Dan rushed up the stairs almost as if to avoid any further altercation and Phil tagged along. Dan entered a room to the right at the end of the hallway and set his plate down.

Phil immediately thought that the room fit Dan's personality perfectly. It was bare and neat. A single bed was pushed against the wall and nightstand stood next to it. A bookcase stood next to the closet which seemed to be the only source of colour. The walls were peeling and the bedding was a faded white.

Dan sat down on the bed and Phil stood in front of him awkwardly. He finally decided to sit down on the floor.

"Um… So, the project?" Dan cleared his throat.

"Oh, yeah." Phil remembered why he was there. "Do you know what it's about?"

"Not really. I wasn't paying attention." Dan said.

 _Oh, this is gonna be great._

"We have to talk about a book we've read over the semester." Phil explained whilst taking another bite off his pizza slice.

"Like a speech?" Dan looked nervous. Phil noticed how badly his hands were shaking.

"Kind of," Phil wiped his mouth. "More like a presentation. Like a PPT and a little explaining, maybe?"

"Oh…" Dan chewed on his lip. "Do you have a book in mind?"

"I was thinking _Hamlet_?" Phil said. He felt his eyes light up. God, he was such a nerd.

"Hamlet…" The corner of Dan's mouth stretched in a slight smile. "We could do that."

"Yeah, we could base the theme around decisions and self-doubt?" Phil reached for another slice and noticed that Dan hadn't touched his plate.

"How much do you wanna bet that at least five other pairs will do the same thing?"

"Fine." Phil said. "We could always do a character sketch."

"Hmm…" Dan pressed his lips together. "We could do it on Ophelia?"

"Ophelia?" Phil eyed Dan. "I don't know…"

Phil had a weird feeling. He understood why Dan would say Ophelia's name. She was thought to be the side character. The character that went mad. The character that everyone felt sad for but only just. The character that was so much more complex when studied.

"Yeah, you're right, it's a stupid idea–"

"No, no." Phil beamed. "It's a great idea!"

Phil felt his inner nerd burst out.

"We could talk about her personality." Phil looked at Dan, wide-eyed. "Did she actually go mad? Or was that just a story she made up? We could talk about her death! Why did Gertrude describe her death to be such an accident? Why didn't she save her? Did she really just fall into the lake and drown or was it a suicide attempt? If so, why? Oh! And we could talk about her flowers! You know, how they were a kind of her way of passing judgment. How she made her decisions when Hamlet was stuck between his 'to be or not to be'? This could totally work!

"Dude, we talk about her death specifically. Like how it's tied to teenagers and sort of have an effect on our lives and decisions? Teachers eat that stuff right up. Suicide and mental health? This is a great idea!"

Dan stared at him with his mouth slightly open, like he couldn't process what Phil was saying.

"Y-Yeah." Dan looked way more uncomfortable than before and Phil wasn't sure why.

Phil opened his mouth to say something when Louise barged in the room with a tray of hot chocolates.

"I hope I'm not–" She began.

"Um, could you excuse me? I need to go to the bathroom." Dan said quickly and rushed out of the room.

"Did I do anything wrong?" Louise eyed Phil.

"I'm not sure…" Phil felt confused. Why had Dan left so suddenly?

Louise set down the tray and placed her hands on her hips. She looked at Dan's untouched plate like it had called her baby ugly, "Tell me if he finishes that."

"Um, sure." Phil rubbed the back of his neck.

Louise sighed, "I just worry about him."

"I can see why." Phil tried to laugh. "Don't worry, he'll be okay."

Louise bit her lip, "I hope so."

She looked at the plate forlornly for another few seconds and then finally said, "Call if you need anything." Phil nodded and she left.

Phil had always liked Louise. She was kind and caring. She would smile and support you no matter what. The best part was that she like Mario Kart.

Phil finished everything on his plate and set it aside. He wondered why Dan was taking so long.

Phil stared at the slightly open door until Dan finally arrived. He seemed to be shaking more than before. He hurriedly sat down on the bed and ignored Phil's questioning looks. His posture made him look vulnerable; slouched back, arms held close and wild eyes of a cornered animal.

"Dan?" Phil reached for him.

"Leave it." Dan swatted him away.

Phil noticed a dark red blotch on his right arm. He will have said it was pizza sauce up he knew for a fact that pizza sauce didn't spread around cloth so quickly.

The truth hit Phil like a brick wrapped in sandpaper.

Phil grabbed Dan's wrist, "Dan, it's okay."

" _Let me go!"_ Dan shrieked and tried to pull his arm away. Phil maintained his grip. He realised how thin and frail Dan was. If he wanted, he could just snap his wrist in half.

"Dan, it's fine. I'm here." Phil faced Dan's forearm. Three long streaks of red ran across Dan's then white jumper.

Dan cut himself.

Phil didn't know what to do. He wanted to help Dan but he knew that it was a delicate situation. He subconsciously wondered what he done to cause Dan to rush off and cut himself.

" _Fucking leave me!"_ Dan screeched. He looked at Phil with wide pleading eyes filled with helplessness.

Phil let go.

Dan crumpled into himself.

Phil stared at him.

"Please leave." Dan choked out.

Phil muttered an apology and left. Louise and Julia gave him funny looks but he ignored them.

God, he was such an idiot!

Granted that there were worse ways to react but his wasn't the best. His arms… There was so much blood…

Phil realised that Dan cutting himself wasn't an act a stupid teenager would _just_ _do_. There was just too much blood and his eyes were too wild. His reasons were more complex.

Dan's arms pushed Phil back into an old memory. The first time he had encountered someone who did that to themselves.

It reminded Phil of his mother.

He was in middle school when he had come home to find his mother in a red and overflowing bathtub. He had quickly called the ambulance and then; he just stared at her. He knew his mother wasn't like everyone else's. She got anxious whenever anyone came over and barely left the house. She slept through the day and woke up at night to drink vodka. She was so thin and weak. Phil took care of her. He didn't want to leave her like his father.

When he left Dan's house he made a promise to himself. He wasn't going to leave Dan like his father left his mom. He didn't care that he barely knew Dan. He would do anything.

"I'll help you, Dan." He told the cold wind and headed back home.


	2. Chapter 2

_**~ Dan ~**_

The weak beams of sunlight woke Dan. He'd always been a light sleeper and to be honest, he was surprised that he'd gotten any sleep at all.

He slowly opened his eyes but otherwise remained still. He reckoned it'd be about 5:00 am so he didn't have to worry about being late to school. Not that anyone would notice, of course.

How many hours of sleep had he gotten? Two? Three? He didn't remember. But he didn't exactly care. He just slept for the sake of it.

Slowly, he sat up and swung his legs off the bed. He creaked open his door softly and tiptoed to the bathroom at the end of the hallway, trying not to make a sound.

He closed the door noiselessly behind him and locked it, not that anyone would bother him at that hour.

He stretched a little and stared at his face in the bathroom mirror. His eyes were sunken and looked slightly red. Louise always told him to sleep more often; she didn't teased him. She would just be concerned.

 _Oh Louise, you don't even know half of it._

He brushed his teeth and quickly shed his clothes.

He stared down at his body.

 _Oh_.

The events of last evening slammed his mind like a freight train.

 _Oh, fuck._

How could he have forgotten? Was he stupid?

 _Of course, you're stupid, Dan. You're a total idiot._

He ran his fingers over the fresh wounds and tried to peel his eyes away from them. He knew. He knew that he if his gaze lingered at his shredded body any longer, he would lose all self control.

 _Don't look, don't look, don't look!_

He sighed. He realised that it didn't even matter.

 _But Phil saw yesterday. He should just call in sick today and not face him. But for how long? What if he tells Mrs. Pentland? What if he tells Louise? What if he tells the entire school? What if–_

He reached under the washbasin and grasped the blade tapped there.

He didn't bother promising himself that it was 'his last time'. He was way past over that.

He walked over to the shower and turned the faucet. Eventually, hot water poured from it and he let it steam up the entire bathroom.

He set the blade aside and stepped in front of the water and winced; it was too hot. Just too, unbearably hot.

 _But that's the point, Dan._

Boiling water repeatedly hit his back and snaked down his body. His body was vulnerable; cuts turned raw and fleshy, skin became red and tender.

He gasped a little and basked in the feeling.

He soaped and scrubbed his body. Too hard maybe, but he didn't really care. He cleaned his hair more gently and finally picked up the blade.

He stared at it for a bit and thought about his sister for bit.

 _No, Dan. Don't._

Then, he brought down the sharp edge of the blade down on his flesh. Again, and again, and again, and again.

His arms, his legs, his thighs and his stomach.

He watched as the diluted blood slightly pooled around his feet and finally, disappeared into the drain.

 _It's fine. You control this. You control this pain. It's yours. It's yours. But you control it._

The grooves and gashes on his skin ached and he could almost hear them scream. His breathes were short and raspy.

 _You control this. You're in control._

He heard a soft knock on the bathroom door.

"Dan?" Louise's soft voice called.

"I'll be out in a minute!" He tried to sound natural and ordinary.

Damn, how long had he been in the shower?

He shut off the water and stepped out. He pressed his cuts with toilet paper until they stopped bleeding and finally got dressed. He wore what he almost always wore. A jumper, tight jeans and his sister's jacket.

He opened the bathroom door and silently made his way to his bedroom. He shut the door behind him and got out his straighteners. He wrestled with his hair for about 10 minutes before he realised that no one really cares. He struggled some more, and the job was done.

He glanced over to the small clock on his nightstand. _7:00am_. He really had spent a while in the bathroom.

He shouldered his bag, grabbed his phone and walked down the stairs.

"Good morning, Dan!" Mrs. Pentland greeted him with her bright smile. Louise smiled and waved at him. He could only nod in their direction.

"I've made pancakes. Why don't you join us?" Mrs. Pentland said as she poured syrup all over Louise's stack.

"I'd loved to." Dan tried to force a smile. "But I'm running late."

"It's only seven?" Louise frowned at him. God, he hated it when she frowned. She should always be happy. Smiling and laughing.

"I uh have to meet up with Phil. You know, to discuss our project." He hated lying. Especially to his sister.

"Really?" She raised her eyebrow.

"Yeah." As soon as the words left his mouth, Louise's expression dropped. She didn't look angry, she just looked sad. Like she knew Dan was lying.

 _Of course, she knows, Dan. She knows you. She cares for you. And look what you do to her. She shouldn't have to deal with you._

Dan couldn't handle looking at her wistful face any longer. He rushed out of the door and made his way to school.

As he had expected, no one was really there. A couple weird kids, some cleaners and an occasional tired teacher; but that was it. He entered the worn down building and made his way to the bathroom. He decided to lock himself in one of the stalls till the bell rang for first period.

He pulled out his phone and decided to kill time by playing some brainless game.

The entire time, he tried not think about the fact that he had English with Phil in the first period. What was he gonna say? Dan really didn't want to know. After all, this was the first time someone, other than himself, had knowledge about the situation.

Would he ask the teacher to change partners? Would he call Dan horrible names like other students? Or would he simply pity him?

Dan couldn't decide which was worse.

Just get over with this stupid project and you'll be done.

The project… The way Phil had reacted to Dan's idea was so unusual and unexpected. He has said things that Dan always subconsciously thought about but never truly. He had almost seemed to like Dan's idea. He had acted like he would maybe actually want to work with Dan.

 _Don't get ahead of yourself. After what he saw, all the sparks have probably died already._

Dan heard shuffling and muffled voices from the halls. People had started showing up. He debated whether he wanted to go out and just sit down in his next class. But soon he decided against it. With his luck, he would probably run into Greg or some other kid who wanted to make Dan's life miserable.

After a few more minutes, the first bell rang. Dan unlocked the stall door and hastily made his way to the classroom, dodging from the swarms of teenagers around him. As soon as he got there, he sank into his seat. Of course, no one noticed him.

Whilst that made him bitter, it was sort of a relief too. That just meant no one would bother him either.

Maybe except Phil.

His eyes darted wildly around the class. He was on the edge of his seat. Phil could come in and confront him in front of everyone any moment now.

Another bell rang as the teacher walked into the classroom.

"Everyone! Get to your seats!" He tried to control the class; which, of course, was impossible.

After a while, the class simmered down.

"Alright, so–" Mr. Smith began.

The door flew open. Phil leaned against the doorframe, panting slightly.

"Am I late?" He said breathlessly.

"Actually, Mr. Lester, you're exactly on time." Mr. Smith gestured Phil to get in. Phil smirked, obviously proud of himself, and sat down in his place.

In Dan's opinion, Phil's smirk was some sort of evil demonic/satanic witchcraft thing. It could put the sun to shame and yet indicate something mischievous.

If Dan wasn't himself, he would be swooning over Phil. Like some sort of stereotypic school girl. It wasn't that Dan didn't acknowledge Phil's charms, he just didn't act on it. Besides, Phil didn't even care about Dan.

"What I was about to say was that," Mr. Smith spoke up. "Today there won't be any formal teaching. Because frankly, we're done with the syllabus and I know neither of us can be bothered to do revision. So, I'm just gonna give you my period to discuss you final assignment. Try not to bring the roof down." With that, he sat down on his desk and got busy with books.

 _Oh no_.

Dread filled Dan. He shot a quick glance in Phil's direction and saw him gather his stuff to, presumably, approach Dan.

Dan shifted uncomfortably in his seat as Phil pulled a chair from a desk beside them to sit down.

"Listen, Dan." Phil looked at him. "About yesterday–"

"I don't want to hear it!" Dan snapped. He wasn't loud, but his voice was sharp.

"Look. I'm just saying–"

"Stop!"

Phil bit his lip and complied. He studied Dan's face for a moment, "Let me finish."

"I don't want you to."

"All I'm saying is; your secret is safe with me."

Dan was taken aback. What did Phil mean?

"What?" Dan's voice was slightly raspy.

"Yes." Phil nodded. "You don't have to worry about it."

Dan narrowed his eyes at him, searching any signs of insincerity. He found none.

But that didn't mean he trusted Phil. Oh no. In fact, it made him even more skeptical and suspicious of him. But he decided to play along.

"Okay." Dan turned his gaze away. "But I don't want to talk about it."

"It's fine." Phil smiled genuinely. "I can respect that."

Dan didn't say anything. He wasn't really sure how to react to that. But fortunately enough, Phil decided to beat down the awkward silence.

"Okay. So, I went home yesterday and did a study on Ophelia's character and…" Phil brought out his papers and continued. Dan occasionally took down notes and listened intently. Phil was good at speaking and explaining. He had his way with words and always sounded intellectual. Phil's sentences were casual but his arguments were professional. He was a good orator.

Dan knew that because Phil reminded him of himself. Well, what he used to be. Dan never lost his words, he just lost the will. Especially after what happened with his father.

The class was drawing to an end and Dan noticed that he and Phil were the only people who had actually done anything.

"Hey, so I was thinking…" Phil rubbed the back of his neck. "Maybe you could sit with me and my friends today? During break?"

Dan tilted his head slightly in confusion. Why on earth did Phil want him there?

"Why?" Dan couldn't help but ask.

"Well," Phil smiled. "I saw all your books and DVDs and games when I was at your place yesterday, and I realised we have a lot in common. My friends are pretty cool too. So, I thought it'd be fun for us to hang out."

Dan furrowed his eyebrows and thought for a bit. "Okay."

Dan didn't know how but Phil's smile got wider. "Great! See you at lunch!" He stood up and gathered his things.

"Oh, and Phil?" Dan called. "If Louise asks where I was in the morning, can you say that I was with you?"

Phil looked hesitant but said, "Um, sure."

Dan nodded thankfully as Phil left for his seat. The bell for the next period rang and students quickly left.

He had maths next. Unlike most teenagers, he didn't mind maths. He could do it quite easily but it just didn't interest him.

 _Nothing interests you, Dan._

The teacher was talking about trigonometric identities and proving. Dan had already done a lot of that well before his time. His sister always loved maths so he'd just sat with her.

 _You think about her too much._

Dan didn't bother paying attention. He already knew all that shit. All he could think about was Phil's offer and the oncoming lunch break. Did Phil really have good intentions? Probably not, Dan reckoned.

 _But who the fuck cares, Dan?_

He wanted to laugh out loud.

Lunch came faster than he expected. He safely got to the cafeteria without bumping into any assholes and managed to pick up an apple on the way. He searched the hall for Phil but soon realised how pointless it was. The cafeteria was overflowing with people. There was no way he'd find Phil.

He decided that this was obviously not going to work. He should just go outside, find Louise, show her that he wasn't starving and spend time with her like usual.

"Dan!" Phil approached him. "I didn't think you'd show up!"

"Yeah, me neither." Dan mumbled.

"Ha-ha. Very funny." Phil rolled his eyes. The corners of Dan's mouth threatened to slightly quirk up. "Now, come on!"

Phil navigated through sweaty teenagers and Dan followed him, utterly lost. They arrived at a long table and Phil set down his plate next to a guy with curly chestnut hair and wide green eyes. In front of them, a guy with straight brown hair and mischievous brown eyes sat with a girl who had bright pink hair.

"Hey PJ." Phil high-fived the guy with greens eyes. "Chris, Emma." He nodded in their direction.

"This is Dan." Phil gestured towards him. They all greeted him and smiled but he could feel the discomfort.

Phil sat down next to PJ and Dan decided to sit down next to Phil as he was the only person Dan actually knew. They all started talking and laughing about their lives and TV shows. But Dan didn't join in. He felt like an outsider intruding into their personal space.

He remained quiet, occasionally nibbling on his apple. It wasn't that he didn't have an appetite, he just couldn't be bothered to eat. He listened to what they spoke about. Music, anime, books and video games. All of those topics interested Dan but he didn't dare join in.

Phil sometimes looked at Dan, a look that was trying to encourage Dan into talking. Dan didn't budge, Phil didn't push.

When the end of the break got nearer, Dan felt worse than before. All these amazing people were around him talking about things that he liked and what did he do? Nothing. He never spoke. There would have been a time where he would have joined in and laughed right along but the thought made him sick now.

Not only was he fucked up in most way but he also couldn't have friends. Whether he wanted or they wanted.

 _What a pointless, pointless life._

As soon as break ended, Dan was the first one to dart up and head for the exit, ignoring Phil. What class did he even have next? Physics? Geography? He didn't remember. He just wanted to get way.

"Is that Howell?" Dan heard a voice behind him and he quickened his pace.

"Holy shit, I think it is!" Another laughed and he heard the voices getting closer.

 _Oh no, oh no, oh no._

"Where you going, Howell?" A figure blocked his path and Dan was forced to stop as well.

"What do you want, Greg?" Dan spat. He hated this. He hated it so much. He was so helpless but that didn't mean he'd just shut up.

"Shit, he's got attitude!" Someone hooted behind him.

"Perhaps, you've forgotten last time?" Greg stepped closer to Dan. Dan didn't flinch even though he wanted to implode.

"Get the fuck away, Greg. I have class." Dan glared right back.

That's when pain exploded in his stomach. He tried to fight it off. He kicked and punched but nothing seemed to hit anything.

"What the fuck did you say, Howell?"

"Ohhhh kick his ass!"

"What a fucking loser!"

It was a blur to Dan. He was pressed up against a locker and could feel the pain but that was it. He wasn't gonna give up. Oh no. He didn't care how much he'd given up on life. He'd never, _ever_ surrender to these goons.

As suddenly the pain had started, it stopped.

"What the fuck?" He heard Greg call in a somewhat confused tone.

"Leave him alone." Dan heard a voice.

Dan focused and saw Phil and PJ standing a few feet away from them. He clutched his stomach and leaned back.

"What did you say?" Greg sneered.

"He said, _leave him alone._ Keep up, honestly Greg." Dan laughed bitterly and spat.

 _Oh he'd had it now._

If it weren't for Greg's friends (read: barbarians), Dan would have probably died. Greg pounced at Dan but they held him back.

"Dude. That's Liguori. You don't wanna be involved." They tried to talk sense into him. Dan didn't really understand.

"Do you really want to repeat last time?" One of them said and Greg finally backed up.

"This isn't the last time, Howell." Greg glared and turned around to leave.

"Can't wait!" Dan called behind them. Wow, he really was asking for it this time. But they didn't return to beat Dan up anymore.

Phil and PJ rushed to Dan's side.

"Holy shit. You alright?" PJ asked and leaned down to help Dan up.

Dan backed away from his touch and tried to stand up with the support of the lockers behind him. "I'm fine."

"No, you're not." Phil said and tried to hold Dan.

" _Don't fucking touch me."_ Dan snarled harshly at Phil. Phil withdrew.

With much difficulty, Dan stood up and PJ handed him his belongings.

"Thanks." Dan said. "I should go now. I'm pretty late for my class."

"Dan." Phil looked at him, worriedly. "You're hurt. Go home. You should rest."

"No, it's fine." Dan chuckled bitterly. "I'm used to it."

That seemed to shut them up. Dan turned around and walked to his next class; his body was still in pain but he didn't really care. Why was Phil trying to be so nice? And now he'd gotten PJ in it too? What sort of trick was this? Had they ganged up with Greg and his shitheads? Dan didn't know. But he did recognise the feeling in the pit of stomach. Something was going to change.


	3. Chapter 3

_**~ Dan ~**_

Dan lay on his bed, curled up in a ball. His head was buried in his arms and his knees were pressed against his chest.

His mother would always know what that position meant. He was upset.

She would call him a hedgehog, poke his nose and tickle him until he finally sat up straight in fits of giggles.

He smiled slightly at that memory.

And then _he_ _remembered_.

 _Don't think about her, don't think about her, don't think–_

"Dan?" He heard a knock on his door. Louise.

"Come in." His voice was muffled.

The door creaked open but Dan didn't bother looking up. He felt the bed dip as she sat down on it.

"I heard what happened at school today." Louise's voice was gentle.

"Yeah?" Dan tried not to sound too sad.

"Why didn't you tell me about it?" Dan felt her touch his hair.

"I didn't want you to worry about me." Dan mumbled. Louise kept stroking his hair.

"You know I'll always worry about you." Her voice was soothing and mellow. "Please, Dan. You have to tell a teacher."

"Yeah?" Dan almost laughed. Almost.

"Don't be that way." Louise said and pulled him up by his shoulders. Dan's neck hung low as he sat in front of her. "Hey. Come on. Look at me."

Dan looked up to meet her blue-green eyes.

"Are you still hurt?" Her eyes were warm and caring. "Did they h-hurt you too bad?" Her voice broke slightly.

"I'm fine, Louise." Dan forced a smile. He knew that Louise wouldn't believe him for a second but he also knew that if he said anything otherwise, she would explode with worry and possibly anger.

Louise pressed her lips together. "I'll bring in some Advil and water with your dinner. We can eat here."

Dan's heart contorted. He wanted to say no. He didn't want to eat. Not because he felt fat. Not even because he wasn't hungry. He just felt wrong.

He bit his lip.

 _Do it for her. She's all you have._

"Okay." He finally sighed. Louise smiled and leaned over to kiss his cheek.

"Thank you." She said and then walked out. Dan stared at her as she left.

 _How hasn't my luck fucked me over yet?_

He touched his cheek. It was ridiculous that he let anyone show any kind of physical affection to him. But this was Louise. His sister.

 _Well, cousin._

But it didn't matter because she loved him like her own brother. And he wasn't sure why. He didn't really deserve her.

After a while, Louise returned with a tray of food, a glass of water and some tablets.

"I asked mum, and she said it was okay for us to eat here as long as I do the dishes." She smiled and set down the tray on his bed. Then, she too sat down facing him.

Dan took his plate and stared down at his plate. Some chicken, potatoes and rice. The food smelled nice.

Dan's stomach twisted.

 _There's so much._

"Dan…" Louise said. She must've noticed Dan's hesitance.

"Don't worry." Dan tried to sound convincing. "I'm just a little nauseous."

"Dan, you have to eat–"

"I know." He smiled reassuringly. "I will." Louise looked unsure but she didn't say anything.

Both of them began eating, Dan more reluctant than her. With every gulp of food, he felt like vomiting. It felt so wrong for him to enjoy a home cooked meal.

"Dan?" Louise looked up, still chewing a mouthful of rice. "Can I ask you something? Promise not to think wrong of me?"

"Um… Sure." Dan's blood ran cold.

 _Does she know something? Does she know about the cutting? Who told her? Did Phil tell her? But he promised–_

"Are you gay?" Louise asked.

Dan choked on his food. "W-What?"

"I just… Back when you were in your old school," she looked down at her plate, "with Tyler and everything… I mean–"

"I never dated Tyler." Dan tilted his head slightly.

"I know!" Louise's eyes were wide and her cheeks were stained red. "I just… It was stupid of me to ask, I'm sor–"

"Yeah, I am." Dan chuckled. "Don't freak out."

"I knew it!" Louise looked triumphant for a second before she became embarrassed. "I mean – I didn't mean it like – ugh. I just… You know I love you, right? No matter what."

"I know, Louise." Dan reached forward and ruffled her hair. "I love you too."

"I know." She smiled. "I just – why didn't you tell me?"

"I was scared at first." Dan said truthfully. "But then, I didn't really think it mattered. It isn't like I'm looking for a relationship."

"So, if you get a boyfriend, you promise that you'll introduce me to him?" Louise grinned.

"I promise." Dan smiled.

 _A genuine smile? Wow, that's new._

They soon cleared their plates. Louise made Dan swallow his pills and lay down in bed. Dan almost wanted to joke about how she was mothering him. But he couldn't. It hurt too much to say _that_ word.

"Say," she said whilst draping a duvet over him, "Phil is pretty cute. And he's working with you for a project. You should–"

"No, no, no, no." Dan said. "Definitely not."

"Aw, come on!" Louise teased. "He's a great guy!"

"Maybe. Maybe not." Dan puffed out his cheeks. "But you scrape that idea right out of your head."

"Make me." Louise giggled.

"Goodnight, Louise." Dan smiled; amused.

"Goodnight." She said as she leaned over to kiss his forehead. Dan closed his eyes as he heard her walk out and shut the door softly behind her.

That night, he kept thinking about how kind Louise was to him. How much he wanted to protect her. He didn't want her to end up like his sister, Robin. He wanted her to be happy and smiling and _not dead_.

As Dan drifted off to sleep, he decided that he associated Louise with the colour yellow. The soothing yellow of sunflowers and honey. The one that reminded you of the soft buzzing of bees and pleasantly warm rays of sunlight. The yellow that blends with orange and red during a sunset. The kind that makes you feel at home.


	4. Chapter 4

**_~ Phil ~_**

His day had gone horribly. Ever since Phil had seen Dan be so bitter, he couldn't stop thinking about it. He knew that people weren't really nice to Dan. But he didn't know how bad it really had been. He'd just reckoned that maybe a couple rumours, some snarky comments and general meanness were the case.

But _no_.

They beat Dan up black and blue.

 _"I'm used to it."_

That's what Dan had said. Phil wondered sadly how long it had been going on for.

Phil felt distant the entire day. PJ tried to comfort him, but his best friend knew that Phil just wanted to be at one with himself.

As soon as school was over, he rushed home. It wasn't far away from Dan's house but he had a feeling that Dan wouldn't appreciate his company.

He turned another corner and walked towards his old, worn out house. He pulled out the key and slowly creaked open the door.

"I'm home, mum." He called out softly before his mother got anxious. She would always think some intruder had broken in if Phil didn't identify himself.

He didn't hear a response. But then again, he never did. He walked up to his room and set his bag down. He threw his phone on the bed and, quickly changed into pyjama bottoms and a loose shirt. He didn't care that it was only the evening, it wasn't like he had anywhere to go.

He tried to be as quiet as possible when he walked downstairs and headed towards the kitchen. He opened the refrigerator and brought out leftover chicken soup from the night before. He knew his mother hadn't eaten lunch. She always promised that she had but Phil knew better.

As the food was heating, he poured a glass of water and pulled out some tablets from a top shelf. He reckoned his mum would be in her room so he headed there.

He walked up the stairs and slowly pushed the door open with his back.

"Hey, mum." He said, noticing a lump beneath the duvet. "It's me. I got your medication."

She stirred a little. He placed the water and tablets on the nightstand and slowly pulled the duvet off to reveal her head.

"What was that, Philip?" She said. Her voice was shrill and she looked weak. He helped her sit up.

"I brought you your medicines, mum." Phil said as he fed her the tablets and helped her swallow them with water. "And I'll bring your lunch in five minutes."

"But I already had lunch, dear." She produced a zombie smile that matched her glassy, distant eyes.

"I know." He said and kissed her on the forehead. He headed down to the kitchen.

Recently, he had noticed grey strands that in her auburn hair even though she was only 34. He hated seeing her like that. She looked so old. He cursed his 'father' almost everyday for leaving them like that. Phil would've declined the money he sent every month if they didn't need it so badly.

The microwave angrily beeped at him and he took out the soup. He pulled out a tray, plated up and took it upstairs.

"Mum?" He called. She hadn't lain back down. She just stared at the opposite wall with a forlorn expression.

Phil sat down in front of her and balanced the tray in his lap. He gingerly brought up a spoonful to her lips until she swallowed it. He made sure he drop anything; that would distress her. He wordlessly kept feeding her until the bowl was empty.

He set the tray aside.

"Do you need anything else, mum?" He gently brushed her hair.

"You're so nice to me, Harold." She murmured. "So nice…"

Phil sighed and help her lie down. He kissed her cheek and took the tray downstairs. He hated that she still said _his_ name. He wasn't here. Phil was. Phil took care of her.

Quickly, he washed the dishes and made his way up to his room.

He pulled out his copy of Hamlet and his notes. The project was in a week and all they had done was plan for it. Granted that it was more than anyone else but Phil wasn't having any of that. He really wanted to score well. He decided that he would get Dan's number the next day, so they could work better.

Phil knew that Dan was smarter than he let on. But he didn't know how he'd make him act on his potential. The way he would say something profound but then dismiss it quickly. It was almost as if he'd stopped _caring_. That broke Phil's heart.

He sighed and ditched his notes. He didn't have the strength to do anything. He decided to go to bed because he had had enough of it.

The next day, Phil woke up earlier than usual. He quickly did his chores; feeding his mother her medication and food, helping her wash her hair and cleaning the house a bit. As expected, he reached school with loads of time to spare.

Phil felt nervous as he walked towards his English class. He didn't know if he wanted to talk to Dan about Dan's problems. He decided to put it off for a while.

He walked in and noticed that Dan was already there even though class didn't start for at least 10 minutes. He looked surprised when he saw Phil, then quickly averted his gaze.

Phil walked over to him, pulled a chair and sat down next to him.

"You're early." Dan said through gritted teeth.

 _Why is he so angry?_

"So are you." Phil chuckled. "Hi, by the way."

"Yeah, whatever." Dan mumbled.

"Listen," Phil began, "I was thinking about what happened yesterday and the day before–"

"Yeah?" Dan chuckled darkly.

"Look, Dan." Phil sighed. "I know what you're going through. Not first hand or anything but I know people. I know it's shit and you feel helpless but you aren't gonna get better if you bottle it all up. You need to tell someone. It sounds like a crappy idea but it'll help you."

"Anything else, Mr. Guidance Counsellor?" Dan replied snidely.

"Dan…" Phil furrowed his brow. He wanted to help Dan, for god's sake.

"I don't wanna hear your shit, Lester." Dan practically hissed. "Just get this project done and fuck off."

"Wow. I suppose I haven't left the best impression." Phil laughed softly to himself. "Okay, let's start over–"

"What kind of cheesy, gay ass shit…?"

"–I'm Phil. I'm an Aquarius." He continued, ignoring Dan. "My favourite band is probably Muse and I love animals."

Dan looked at him as if he'd grown another head. Phil looked at him expectantly.

"What?" Dan rolled his eyes. "I'm not doing that."

"Come on, Dan!" Phil whined playfully. "What's your zodiac sign?"

"How does that even affect anything?"

"Just tell me!"

"Gemini."

Phil smiled approvingly. "Favourite band?"

"Don't have one."

"Anything?"

"Well…" Dan bit his lip and looked down thoughtfully. "I like Muse, too. And Radiohead. But I listen to a lot of classical music too. I listen to everything."

"You have such a great music taste." Phil grinned. "I bet you play something cool and hardcore like the electric guitar or something."

"Ha-ha." Dan rolled his eyes again. "No, I play the piano, actually."

"Still cool." Phil had a warm feeling in his chest. Dan wasn't being entirely secretive and bitter. "Man, you and PJ would get along really well–"

"Good morning, class." Mr. Smith burst into the classroom. Phil didn't bother moving over to his own seat.

"I'm going to want a status update on your projects." He continued. "I want to see how far in you all are. You all can sit together and work, I'll personally come and speak to all of you. And remember, I want participation from both the students in a pair."

Loads of students stood up and ran over to their partners, many were yelling and more than half looked annoyed.

Phil pulled out his notebook and looked over to Dan. "Okay Dan, so I'm thinking we make a PPT and explain or talk or whatever as we present it."

"O-Okay." Dan looked nervous and shaky.

"Is something wrong?" Phil tilted his head slightly.

"N-No." Dan exhaled. "I just can't do public speaking."

"But you heard what–"

"I did." Dan chewed on his bottom lip. "Look. I'll do the entire PowerPoint if you speak for me."

"I'm not sure if Mr. Smith would appreciate that." Phil looked at Dan hesitantly.

"Please, Phil. Convince him."

"Dan, I don't–"

"Fine!" Dan snapped. "I'll-I'll figure something ou–"

"Alright, boys, give me an update?" Mr. Smith interrupted.

Phil shot a concerned look to Dan before turning to Mr. Smith. "Um, yeah. So we've decided to base the project on Ophelia. Talk about her and how she is sort of a metaphor for young teens in today's day and age. We have all our information. We just have to make a PowerPoint and practice what we're going to say."

"Hm…" Mr. Smith pursed his lips. "Sounds good. It's a nice and original idea. But you both better start working–"

"Actually, Sir?" Dan called. "I was wondering if you could excuse me from the talking bit. I'm not very good at public speaking."

"Now, Mr. Howell," he looked at Dan with an amused expression, "we both know that that is a lie. You entered you first debate competition when you were eight! You were the pride of your last school! A prodigy! I believe you even–"

"Sir!" Dan choked out frantically. He cleared his throat and regained his composure. "I mean, you don't understand. I c-can't do it."

"Look, Dan." The man smiled down at him. "I'm not heartless. I know about your family's situation. But I'm afraid I have to grade you on your speaking too. I know you're great at it but if you refuse to do it, I will have to cut some marks. I can be lenient. But that's all I can do."

"B-But, Sir…" Dan stared down at his hands that rested on his lap.

"Or," he said, "you can provide medical proof of your inability to speak up. Then I can grade you without any issue."

"A-Alright." Dan stammered, not meeting anyone's gaze. "I'll just speak."

"Okay, then." Mr. Smith straightened up. "Good luck to you both. I expect good things." He walked away to another pair.

"Dan…?" Phil looked at him hesitantly. He had no idea that Dan had a history of public speeches and debates. To be frank, at first glance he'd never guess Dan was that kind of a person. He didn't radiate confidence, he always spoke softly and he always tried to be invisible.

"Can I just think about this please?" Dan dismissed.

"Okay." Phil sighed. "Anything you want."

Neither of them spoke about Dan's apparent past. They spent the entire period half-heartedly discussing the PowerPoint.

The bell rang loudly and Dan looked relieved as he stood up quickly. Before he could leave, Phil stopped him. "Listen, Dan. Would you like to sit with me during lunch?"

"It didn't really go well last time, now did it?" Dan said, narrowing his eyes.

"No." Phil tilted his head slightly and smiled. "This time it'll just be me. We don't have to sit at the cafeteria. We'll sit beneath a tree in the football field."

Dan considered for a moment.

"O-Okay." He murmured finally.

"Cool!" Phil grinned. "I'll see you at lunch!"

Dan nodded and left. Phil picked up his stuff and headed for his next class too.

As the classes went by, one after the other, Phil couldn't stop thinking about what Mr. Smith had said about Dan. He couldn't stop wondering about Dan's reason to entirely stop oratory. He wanted to ask him about it, but he wasn't sure if that would be a good idea.

Mr. Smith had even mentioned something about Dan's family. Was that the reason Dan stopped? But that didn't make any sense. Why would someone stop doing something they're good at because of family issues?

Phil was intrigued but he didn't want to push Dan. He just seemed like a nerdy guy who for some reason wasn't happy. Phil didn't know if he was broken, sad or depressed. He just definitely wasn't _happy_.

When the bell rang for lunch, Phil rushed out to the cafeteria. He got an apple and made his way to the football field. Sure enough, he found Dan seated under a tree at the end of the field. He had his phone in his hand and his headphones on.

When he saw Phil approaching him, he took of his headphones and nodded at him in greeting.

"Hey." Phil smiled and sat down next to him. "What're you listening to?"

"Kanye's new album." Dan spoke softly. Like he was afraid that anyone else might hear him.

"Oh?" Phil took a bite of his apple. He noticed that Dan wasn't eating anything. "I don't listen to Kanye. Is it good?"

Dan stared at him like Phil had just called his baby ugly.

"Is it good?" Dan leaned forward disbelievingly. "Is it _good?_ Oh my god, Phil! Kanye is perfect! His lyrics! Have you been living under a rock? What do you mean you haven't _listened_ to him! You must! Like, this instant!"

Phil snickered. "You like him that much?"

"I don't _like_ him." Dan narrowed his eyes and craned his neck. "I worship him."

"Wow." Phil chuckled. "Let me see what the fuss is about."

Dan rolled his eyes and passed Phil his headphones. Phil put them on and waited as Dan chose a song for him.

Music exploded in Phil's ears and he closed his eyes. First, a distorted growl echoed and then, the rapping began..

Usually, Phil wasn't really interested in rap music but damn. He had to say, there was something about the song. Whether it was the creepiness, the raw emotion or the human-like groaning in the background. Phil felt drawn.

Halfway into the song, Phil realised that Kanye was trying to express the lack of love in his life. That he had become famous and everyone who had got him there had turned on him. Now, all that remained of him was a monster.

The music stopped and Phil slowly opened his eyes. Dan stared at him expectantly.

Phil took off the headphones and handed them to Dan. "Wow." That was all he could manage.

"Told you." Dan smirked and leaned back on the tree.

"That was so…" Phil rubbed his eyes. "I can't even describe it."

"We've all been there." Dan chuckled to himself.

"I need to listen to more of that." Phil smiled and continued devouring his apple.

Dan didn't reply. He just stared up at the cloudy sky. He looked almost…peaceful.

Phil finished his apple and shoved the core in his bag.

"Phil?" Dan's gaze was still fixed at the sky.

"Yeah?" Phil looked up.

"What did you mean when you said that you knew what I was going through?" Dan uttered the words carefully. "When you said you knew someone who….?"

"Oh." Phil felt nervous. Did he really want to tell Dan?

 _If I don't tell him about me, he won't do the same_.

"My mother." Phil managed to say. "She isn't very stable. I mean, after my dad left, she hit rock bottom. She was young and heartbroken."

Dan finally looked at Phil.

"So, she started drinking and doing drugs." Phil continued. "I was pretty small back then so I didn't really understand what was going on. But one day, in middle school, I found out about the cutting. Called an ambulance and everything.

"She went into rehab and I had to stay with my grandma. The authorities freaked out. They dismissed my mum as mentally unstable and they tried to find a new home for me.

"It didn't really work out so I returned home. My father heard about what happened so he started sending in money to help us out. Personally, I think he bribed the authorities." Phil chuckled. His throat was dry and he felt breathless. "I started taking care of her. She doesn't do drugs anymore but she cuts once in while. She's always medicated and she just. She just isn't the same."

Dan studied Phil's face. His eyes didn't hold any pity in them. Just regret and empathy.

"I'm sorry." He finally said. "Is she okay now?"

"Yeah." Phil breathed out. "She's fine. I mean, I'm used to it now."

Dan stretched his legs and threw his head back against the tree. They both remained silent for a while.

"Man, dads really do fuck everything up." Dan said bitterly.

"What do you mean?" Phil stared at him. "I remember Mr. Smith saying something about your family but I…" He trailed off.

"It was my dad's dream, you know?" Dan's expression held bitterness and sorrow. "He wanted me to be a prodigy. He wanted me to become some sort of international diplomat. What kind of a dream is that?" Dan let out a small chuckle.

"He was very strict. 'Study this, study that. Learn this, learn that.' Always so demanding. He'd give me subjects to study. Everyday it was something new. Astrophysics, biology, literature, geography, history. All that."

Dan took a deep breath.

"At the end of the day, he would want to hear whatever I had learnt. If I answered anything wrong, he would hit me. It didn't matter what it was. If I was wrong, I'd get beaten. Preparing for a speech and mispronounce one word? Beaten until I pass out or do it properly."

Dan laughed.

"I just wanted him to love me. Be proud. I did everything he said. But no matter how good I was, I want enough. The beating just got worse. Punching and slapping. Banging my head against the wall to _make it work."_

"Dan…" Phil felt speechless. Was this why Dan didn't want anything to do with public speaking?

"No, no. It's fine." Dan's eyes were tearless.

"It must have been horrible." Phil placed his hand on Dan's leg. "Living in such an environment. I can't even imagine–"

"Don't worry." Dan's voice was heavy. It made Phil's stomach churn. "It eventually stopped. I finally go rid of him."

"What do you mean?"

Dan leaned forward and looked at Phil. His eyes for full of guilt, anger and possibly fierceness.

"I killed him."


	5. Chapter 5

**_~ Dan ~_**

"The Model United Nations are a good opportunity for you to shine. You'll gain experience." His father said. "So, I have enrolled name with the school. It will last two days and will be held on the 21st of September."

"But, father." Dan's throat felt dry. He was shaking slightly and his palms were clammy. "That's just a month away. I-I can't–"

"Is that an excuse I hear, Daniel?" His father shifted slightly and narrowed his eyes.

"No, father." Dan looked down and chewed his lip.

"Good." He looked at Dan through his reading glasses. He stood up, picked up a booklet that sat on the coffee table and handed it to Dan. "Get to work. I will hear from you tonight. Do not disappoint me, Daniel."

"Yes, father." Dan gripped the booklet tightly, not daring to look his father in the eyes.

"You may leave." His father dismissed.

Dan turned around and rushed towards his room. He closed the door gingerly and locked it, even though he knew that his father would be leaving for work in a while.

Dan fell back on his bed and closed his eyes. He didn't want to do it.

 _There is no time._

He had his mid term exams coming up in September. He did _not_ need this.

After a few minutes, he finally made the effort to sit up and stare at the booklet in his hands.

 _51st MUN held by GD Goenka World's School_

Dan flipped the page.

 _Model United Nation is an intra-school, interactive opportunity for students to become familiar with international issues and learn diplomacy. Various branches of the UN will be imitated and you, the delegates, will represent countries working in it._

Dan had heard about MUN before but he wasn't really keen on the idea of it. What even was the point? A couple of students act like diplomats trying to solve real life issues? They debate back and forth until they pass a resolution? And then what? All they could ever achieve was a fake solution to a real problem.

Dan sighed and went through the booklet. Apparently, he was part of the UNSC; United Nations Security Council, and he would be the delegate of Saudi Arabia. His world issue would be the Israel-Palestine Conflict.

Dan wanted to pull out his hair.

Not only had he gotten the longest and most complicated issue, but he also got a country who wasn't very _diplomatic_. It wasn't even a permanent member of the SC. What the hell was he going to do?

Dan decide to go through the background guide and understand what the hell the conflict was about. One hour in and he already felt his brain melting.

But he had to do it. His father would want to hear how much he had learned. Maybe he could just prepare the first introductory speech and study the topic briefly.

He sat down with his laptop and notebook and started working. Studying years of history, current terrorism and memorising hundreds of resolutions.

Hours passed and Dan realised that the sun and gone down. He looked down at his watch. _6:30PM_. His father would be home in two hours.

Dan was on the precipice of panic and terror. He hadn't even started working on the speech.

He pulled out a new page and started writing; with an example speech by his side. After proofreading it, he started practicing.

He paced around his room, trying his best to recite his speech with confidence and passion.

"Good morning, delegates and the honourable Executive Board." Dan spoke clearly and firmly, trying not to look at the paper in his hands. "Today's agenda before the committee is the Arab-Israeli Conflict. I'm the delegate of Saudi Arabia and I would like to begin by quoting our foreign minister, Saud al-Faisal."

Dan waited for the words to start leaving his mouth.

None did.

He threw the paper down in frustration and kicked his bed. He let out a pained groan, "Fuck this!"

Dan sighed and tried to calm himself. He ran his fingers through his hair.

 _I can do this. This is fine. I'm fine._

He heard the front door click open.

 _I can't fucking do this_!

"Daniel?" He heard his father's voice call out.

"One minute!" He yelled back and quickly gathered his papers. He took a deep breath before heading out into the lounge.

"Have you studied, Daniel?" His father asked. He didn't even look at Dan. He just loosened his tie and set down his office bag.

"Yes, father." Dan met his father's eyes briefly. They were dark and old. His father was ancient. Wrinkles crisscrossed his pale face and sunken sockets made his harsh eyes pop. Dan wondered why his mother had even married the man.

"Good." His father said firmly. "I will hear from you tonight."

Dan nodded and left.

He knew that his father would call him in half an hour; that was generally how long it took for him to freshen up after office. The entire while, all Dan could do was pace around his room murmuring to himself and occasionally tugging his hair in frustration.

"Daniel!" His father called.

"Yes, father!" Dan rushed out with his notes in hand.

The man was dressed in plain pyjamas and a shirt. He was leaning against refrigerator with a glass of whiskey in hand.

Dan set down his notes on the breakfast bar and faced his father. He was glad that they had the counter between them. It was reassuring.

"I hope you have gone over the process of committee meetings." He didn't meet Dan's eyes. As if Dan was too inferior. "I'll hear your introduction. Sixty seconds, plus-minus ten seconds. Go."

Dan cleared his throat.

"Good morning respected Executive Board and fellow delegates. Today's agenda before the committee is the Arab-Israeli conflict. I, the delegate of Saudi Arabia, would like to begin by quoting Saud al-Faisal, the foreign minister of Saudi Arabia."

He noticed his voice wasn't as confident as it usually was.

" _'_ _The Kingdom deplores and condemns all actions in Jerusalem which are in conflict with the nature of the city and with the legitimate rights of its Arab population therein.'"_

He paused for dramatic effect. He was genuinely surprised that he had gotten the quote right.

"Saudi Arabia is a monarchy; birthplace of Islam and home to its two holiest cities, Mecca and Medina. The Kingdom believes that the dispute can be settled in a straightforward manner on the basis of existing UN resolutions. The Kingdom supports Palestinian rights to…"

He went on and on. He regretted not timing his speech beforehand but he decided to just go with it and follow his instincts.

He spoke clearly and firmly. Enunciating at correct moments, stopping for dramatic pauses and stressing on important points. He tried his best to adopt an aggressive but diplomatic body language that Saudi Arabia was known for; fierce eyes, aggressive hand gestures and powerful words.

His father didn't even spare him a glance. He just stared at his untouched whiskey glass. Expressionless and still. Dan could've convinced himself that he was merely a statue.

Dan finished speaking and looked at his father expectantly.

Dan's father lazily met his eyes. Dan felt threatened. His father wasn't usually like that.

"Almost three minutes." He declared. Dan cringed. He scolded himself silently.

His father puckered his lips slightly looked at Dan in a calculating manner.

"You said you studied." He said. "Is that correct?"

"Yes, father." Dan tried to keep his voice from cracking.

"So, tell me, Daniel," he drained the glass in his hand and stepped towards Dan, "who is the foreign minister of Saudi Arabia?"

"Saud al-Faisal." Dan replied. He wanted to run away. His father was so close to him. Dan didn't dare to look at him but he could still feel his father's intense gaze that bore into him.

"Oh really?" His father leaned forward.

"Yes." Dan almost squeaked out.

Dan's father slapped the side of Dan's head hard. "Who _is it?"_

"I don't know." Dan whimpered. He was sure that he'd read the name Saud al-Faisal.

"Fucking idiot!" His father banged Dan's head against the counter. "He was the former foreign minister! You haven't studied. You're a liar."

Dan clutched his head and stood up straight. He knew straight away that he'd have a concussion.

His father walked in front of him and Dan turned around. His back was now against the breakfast bar.

"You're speech was not good enough." His father announced. "Your arguments are outdated and you haven't used enough institutional evidence."

"I'm sorry, father." Dan pushed out the words quickly. He knew that apologising was the best option at that moment if he wanted to avoid further injury.

"You're not." He spat and slapped Dan.

Dan could only take what his father threw at him. He had no other choice.

Dan's father snatched his notes.

"I assume you have studied the resolutions?" He said. Dan knew it wasn't a question.

"I will hear them from you." He decided before Dan could muster a response.

"What was Resolution 497?" His father demanded.

"I–" Dan didn't know. He didn't know and he was afraid.

 _"_ _What was Resolution 497?"_ His father threw down Dan's notes and demanded.

Dan stared at his father with wide panicked eyes.

"You don't know?" His father leaned forward. _"You don't fucking know?"_ He hissed, his voice dripping with venom.

Dan couldn't get his mouth to form words. He knew it was too late. The best he could do was try not to pass out.

"Let me teach you." His father was close enough for him to smell the alcohol on his breath. Dan realised that the whiskey wasn't the only drinking he'd done.

He punched Dan in the stomach.

"It calls" _punch_ "for the withdrawal" _punch_ "of Israel" _punch_ "from the" _punch_ "Golan Heights."

"Repeat after me!" He punched Dan's cheek now. Dan could feel a wetness drip down his face.

"I-It calls f-for the…the w-withdrawal of I-Israel f-f-from the…" He managed to stammer. He couldn't form sentences. The pain was too much.

"Repeat, Daniel!" His father smacked his head. "Make that shit brain for yours work!"

That particular hit had a greater impact than any other blows. He heard a whooshing echo in his ears and he doubled over.

"Stand up straight!" He gripped Dan's throat and forced him to meet his eyes.

"Now," he spat, "repeat!"

Dan couldn't manage any words. His face was swollen, his torso hurt too much and his head was on fire.

Dan's father kept staring at Dan expectantly. Finally, he gave up and pushed him back against the counter. The back of his head banged harshly against the metal underneath him.

"Useless, worthless…" His father glared. "Just like your sister. I thought I could mould you into someone smart. But you're just like your mother and sister. Both useless. Got themselves killed and left your sorry ass with me"

He continued grumbling and cursing Dan's mother and sister. Dan wished he could stand up and, scream and claw at his father but he couldn't moved. He could only glare daggers at him.

"What are you looking at?" His father demanded.

"D-Don't you d-dare sp-speak about them like t-that, you f-fucker." Dan grunted, barely audible.

" _What the fuck did you just say?"_ He screamed and threw himself at Dan. He wrapped his hands around Dan's throat and pressed his thumbs down; blocking out his wind pipe.

"D-Don't you d-dare…" Dan managed to choke out. His father's eyes were wilder than what Dan had ever known. Dan flailed around helplessly, trying to get air into his lungs.

He stretched out his arms and tried to grab onto something – anything, that he could use to push his father away. His palms beat against the counter blindly until they curled around a handle of some sort.

Dan realised that the handle was in fact, a hilt. Of a knife.

He couldn't think straight. The corners of his eyes were going black and the grip on his throat was getting tighter. He felt like his eyes were about to pop out and his face was hot with blood.

Dan stared into his father's cruel eyes before plunging the knife deep into his back with all his might.

Shock, realisation, pain and unconscious.

He went limp and so did Dan.

Dan woke up in a puddle of his own vomit. His head was throbbing and his vision was fuzzy. What was he doing on the floor?

He tried to sit up straight and groggily managed to support himself by leaning on the wall behind him.

He narrowed his eyes and noticed a red colour seeping into his clothes and vomit. He scrunched up his nose in repulsion. The room stank of acid and death.

 _Death_.

He blinked hard and the lifeless body of his father came into focus.

 _What have I done?_

He couldn't handle it. He doubled over and vomited again. He tried to stay conscious but failed.

Loud sirens and the sound of people rushing around in hurry. That's what woke him up. He was strapped onto a stretcher and a young black woman with short wild hair stood beside him.

"Your father is dead." She said. "And we know it was you."


	6. Chapter 6

_**~Phil~**_

Phil pushed his cold hands into his fuzzy coat pockets as he made his way downtown. It was finally the weekend. He did not have to worry about the stupid project, or his teachers or _Dan._

The week had completely drained him and all he wanted was a nice cup of coffee with some Animal Crossing. And that was exactly what he'd planned on doing with his Saturday.

He made his way to the small coffee shop at the end of the city market. He pushed open the door and the let himself melt into the warmth of the shop. His cold nose tingled as the heavy smell of coffee and baked bread surrounded him.

"What can I–Phil?" The girl behind the counter raised her eyebrows.

 _Louise._

"Louise!" Phil smiled. "What are you doing here?"

"I work here." She laughed. Phil liked the sound of it.

"Oh, I didn't know." Phil smiled sheepishly. "Um, I'll take an espresso, I guess. Grande please."

"Alright." Louise's smile didn't waver. "Anything else?"

"Just 10 minutes of your time." Phil winked facetiously.

"Are you hitting on me, Lester?" Louise smirked.

"Oh, I might just be." Phil retorted. "Actually, I just wanted to hang out with someone. I've kind of had a weird week."

"Sure." Louise smiled almost knowingly. "Give me a minute."

Phil nodded and sat down on a table for two by large glass windows. The shop was completely deserted apart from him and Louise. But he reckoned that that was because it was just so early in the morning.

Phil had promised himself that the weekend was to be dedicated to himself only. He wasn't going to let anyone ruin it for him. But no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't stop thinking about Dan. He couldn't forget his fierce but vulnerable eyes.

To him, Dan was a walking bundle of contradictions.

After a while, Louise walked over to him with a tray. She set it down on the table and sat right opposite to Phil. Phil brought the coffee to his lips.

"So, what's up?" Louise gazed at him as she sipped her drink.

"It's just been a weird week." Phil sighed as he gulped the bittersweet coffee.

"Why?" Louise raised an eyebrow in confusion. "Did Dan do something?"

This was it. The one thing Phil was trying so hard not to think about. He just wanted to forget everything for a day, no matter how much the little voice at the back of his mind nagged him.

"No…I mean," Phil felt unsure as he bit his lip, "kind of. But I don't–"

"What did he do?" Louise narrowed her eyes.

"He didn't do anything!" Phil defended. "It's just something he _told_ me."

"What did he tell you?" Louise asked cautiously. It was almost as if she knew something.

"He…uh…" Phil looked down and traced the edge of the empty cup with his finger. "Told me about his family."

"He did?" Louise's eyes widened and she looked taken aback. "But he never…"

"He didn't tell me much but…" Phil chewed on his lip. "I just can't stop thinking about it."

"I know what you mean." Louise averted her gaze as she drank from her cup.

"He told me that he killed his father."

Louise coughed and almost choked on her drink. "He did _what now?_ "

"You heard me." Phil stared at his hands that rested on the hard oak table.. "And that's all that he said. Like, how am I supposed to cope with that information?"

"It's complicated, Phil." She looked really nervous, Phil noted.

"I know that, Louise." Phil felt exasperated. "Why can't you jut simplify it?"

"I don't know if I should, Phil." Louise shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "I think Dan should be the one–"

"Don't you think I deserve answers?" Phil tried to remain patient as he drained his mug, the coffee leaving a bitter aftertaste. "Dan just tells me that he murdered someone and you expect me not to ask questions? Just go on working with him on some stupid project?"

Louise didn't say anything for a while. She just stared down at the tray in front of her with a distant look. Phil felt bad that he was acting frustrated with her even when she had nothing to do with it. But he just couldn't help himself.

"I don't know a lot either." Louise said finally as she looked up at Phil. "My mum and Dan's mum were cousins. When Dan's mum died, their family became very secluded. Julia didn't like that but she still tried to visit Dan and his sister as often as she could.

"Fast forward to a couple years later, Dan's sister dies. That's when they completely stop talking to us. Mum was sad but she didn't take it that seriously until last year."

Louise took a deep breath and Phil nodded in encouragement.

"One day, my mum got a call saying that Dan had killed his dad. We all freaked out because, come on, what the _fuck?_ We rushed to the hospital and Dan's there. He looked so horrible, Phil. He looked _dead._

"They ran a couple investigations and found out that what Dan did was purely an act of self defence. Apparently, Dan's dad had been beating the shit out of him until Dan snapped and killed him. After Dan recovered, he didn't have anywhere to go. He had no one left so we took him in."

Phil stared at Louise. He couldn't believe his ears.

"And he's been living with you ever since?" Phil asked.

"Pretty much." Louise shrugged. Then, she sighed and looked at Phil. "We used to know each other as kids. Dan was the smartest and nicest child. He was the one who would listen to me rant about things he didn't give a shit about just because he cared about me. He picked me up when my first boyfriend dumped me. He was always _there,_ you know? I was devastated when we stopped talking after his sister died.

"But when I saw him on the hospital bed, everything I ever knew about him and his strength shattered. Every inch of his skin was either bruised or bandaged. And the last straw was when the officer told us about his father."

Louise drained her cup. She set it aside and looked out of the window.

"I felt like I had to pay him back. For being such a good friend. I kind of took it personally to make him happy again. I couldn't just replace his actual sister but there was only so much I could do. I mean, he did eventually start speaking to us and everything. But it wasn't the _same._ No one sees his smartness or kindness anymore. They just see an empty shell of a boy. And I don't know how to help him."

"Louise…" Phil reached forward and placed his hand on her shoulder. "I'm sure you tried your best."

"Did I?" Louise looked slightly bitter. "I don't know, Phil. But it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because he isn't _happy._ "

Phil got up and so did Louise. He paid for his coffee, hugged her and left – taking Dan's number on the way out.

He felt so undecided. He wanted to help Dan and glue all the pieces together. But he also didn't want to get his hands stuck in the process. He wondered if any of it was worth the pain. He wondered if Dan was even worth the trouble. A part of him just urged him to abandon Dan's problems. It told him not to make Dan's problems his own. It told him that he should just forget about Dan and carry on with his life.

Then he realised that that's what his father had done.

But he wasn't like his father.

 **To: Dan**

 **So, does 9am sound okay?**

 **From: Dan**

 **sure**

Phil sighed and threw his phone aside. He was determined to not mess up this time. He didn't want to scare off Dan.

' _Scare of'? That doesn't sound like wording Dan would approve._

Phil shook his head and fell back onto his bed. He felt exhausted. He wondered when Dan's life became so important to him. Well, he reckoned that it probably was because of how much he despised his father. He wanted _nothing_ to do with that man. Phil couldn't stand doing anything his father might.

The project was supposed to be presented on Monday. So, he just had a Sunday to prepare everything, coordinate with Dan and get the PPT done. Granted that Dan was mostly done with the PPT, but that didn't mean that Phil wouldn't hopelessly worry about it.

He flipped over and lay on his stomach; burying his face into the white sheets. He groaned slightly and drifted off to sleep. His worries were trivial in that moment.


End file.
